Wednesday, December 9, 2009


Team Minnesota's PATRICK PARISH has, with extensive counseling and high doses of anti-psychotic medication, gotten his homicidal tendencies under control. You'll be happy to know that the woman he is happily strangling in the photo survived his savage attack (the victim's friend tasered Patrick). Her trachea has been surgically repaired, the bruises have faded and the nightmares are less frequent.

Just kidding.

In truth, Patrick has never harmed a member of his own species. He was not actually strangling the girl in the picture; he was "playing doctor," checking for swollen lymph nodes.

You might suspect by looking a Patrick's Beatle-esque "do" that he was born 30 years too late. You'd be right. (Currently he wears his hair very short, as if in tribute to Kevin O'Connor's buzz cut.)

This suspicion will be further instantiated by the information in his bio. You'll learn that he is a frugal pacifistic environmentalist and human rights activist who enjoys intellectual discussions and classic books and movies.

It's hard to believe he was born in 1985.

More stuff about Patrick Parish:

Occupation: Systems Engineer, Medtronic Cardiac Rhythm Disease Management
College? Where? Degrees? Duke University, Durham, NC. BSE. Biomedical, Electrical and Computer Engineering
Favorite food: I love to eat, so this is a tough call. Probably chunky natural peanut butter. It’s versatile, cheap, and delicious.
Favorite books: The Power of One, Once a Runner, The Great Gatsby, Arrowsmith, Fundamentals of Applied Electromagnetics
Favorite Movies: Blues Brothers, Lawrence of Arabia, Good Will Hunting, Mrs. Doubtfire, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Favorite actors & actresses: Robin Williams
Favorite TV shows: The Daily Show, The Colbert Report
Favorite Singers or Bands? Queen, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Michael Franti, Bela Fleck
Favorite Songs? ‘Video Killed the Radio Star’ as covered by the Presidents of the USA
Favorite Junk Food: Deep dish pizza with spinach and garlic (or corned beef & cabbage on St. Patty’s day). Please correct me if I am mistaken, but you can only get the good stuff in Chicago or by making it yourself.
Your Perfect Meal: Fettuccini with fresh basil pesto topped with chopped tomato & shredded cheddar cheese and served with a cold glass of milk to wash it down.
Favorite Restaurant: I tend to avoid restaurants. When I do go out, I prefer places where the portions are large relative to the prices and where English is not the primary language.
Favorite Alcoholic Beverage: The jury is still out on this one. I’m too frugal to conduct a decent survey and I’m dissatisfied with alcohol’s exemption from ingredient labeling requirements.
Non-Tri Hobbies: Cooking, reading, exploring, messing around with computers, discussing politics, economics and religion
Favorite Pro Teams: The Chicago Bulls in the ‘90s. I haven’t followed pro sports since then.
Favorite College Teams: Duke
Heroes? Hicham el Guerrouj (see photo)and whoever is responsible for google’s “don’t be evil” motto
Dream Vacation Destination? Anywhere where I can explore the landscape without motors or having to bother with civilization.
Winter Training? How do you train in the off-season? What off-season? The vast majority of my injuries have occurred while coming back from time off, so I’m afraid to stop. I enjoy frequent competition, but I vary the focus and intensity based on my goals and training cycles. I’m thinking about picking up Nordic skiing if my budget recovers between cycling purchases. After that, who knows? The winter Olympics are coming up and I am easily inspired.