(photos: Top - Sarah Kournikova-Waataja's younger sister Anna, who is definitely not as hot as her "Big Sis." Left - Mike modeling his much-needed "Bro." Right Side - Cosmo--Mr. Kavorka--Kramer; the humiliated Super Boston; Daryl Hall with mullet, John Oats in his "Fro" stage. He would later graduate to a mullet.)Triathlete/swim school guy Mike Waataja and Cosmo Kramer have something in common.
Something devastating!
What is it, you ask?
Both of these guys have THE KAVORKA!
You remember the "Kavorka" episode on Seinfeld, don't you? Kramer learns that he has what the Latvian's call "The lure of the animal," aka "The Kavorka." Novitiate Roberta falls hard for the gangly tall-haired lunatic and only the fetor of a garlic clove necklace can prevent her from denouncing her vows and running away with him.
And Mike Waataja has got it, too! (He's one of only Norwegians to have this "curse." The other lives in Duluth.)
How can we be sure that Mike has the Kavorka? Isn't it obvious? How else would a guy like him be able to attract and marry Anna Kournikova's slightly older but definitely hotter sister, Sarah?
A guy like him? Yeah, he's a nice looking dude, BUT he's got some seriously disturbing issues, most of which fall into the "Refusal to Grow Up" Category.
How can a super hot woman like Sarah go for a guy who routinely wins White Castle Slider Eating Contests? How can she be attracted to a guy who's favorite movie is "Tropic Thunder"? And Mike happens to be the only guy in the world who drinks Jagermeister on a regular basis. Most dudes get ripped on this deadly stuff once. Then they puke, have a three-day hangover then swear off the stuff forever.
Not Mike, though! He keeps coming back for more. How sick is that? Still, Sarah won't dump him.
When you read the answers to his "Going Off-Course" questionnaire below, you'll see that there's lots of other reasons for super hot babes to stay away from Mike Waataja.
Check out his favorite non-tri hobby: Jon Diving. Scary stuff!
Check out the fact that "Hall & Oats" is his favorite group. VERY scary. Poor Sarah, that super hot sister of Anna Kournikova, has to listen to "I Can't Go For That" on an almost daily basis. Imagine the words "No Can Do" sticking in your tormented brain like a bad commercial jingle.
And Mike must have developed his literary skills at the "Zoolander School For Kids Who Don't Read Good." (Did you see that movie? It's one of Mike's faves!) Heck, his favorite movie of 2009 was Avatar. Mike has seen it nine times and still spells it "A-v-i-t-a-r."
How could a super hot babe put up with someone like Mike?
Did we mention he suffers from IBS and is on a perpetual Quixotic quest (with fellow sicko Brett Lovaas) for the perfect Porta John?
There can be only one answer. Dude's got the Kavorka!
And here is some non-made-up stuff about the truly cool Mike Waataja, a fun-loving guy who can turn any social encounter into a party. Mike and Sarah will be moving to Chicago later in the spring. He will return occasionally to race, hang out with his plethora of friends, and do some Jaeger shooters. We'll miss you Mike. You are truly a special guy. And FYI, maturity is overrated.
And we'll miss Sarah, too. Sarah, here's some parting advice: Lose the doggie clothes. Your Boston Terrier does not like to play "dress up." No animal does. It makes the bum sniffing method of gender and species identification almost impossible.
Stuff about Mike:
Age: 34
Family: Super Hot Wife, Sarah and Dog, "Super" Boston
Colleges, Degrees: University of St. Thomas, BA Speech Communications
Occupation: Swim School Manager at Foss
Favorites:
Books: The Wind Chill Factor by Thomas Gifford
Movies: Tropic Thunder
TV Shows: "Big Bang Theory" (everyone has a little Dork Rocket in them)
Food: Chinese & Thai (but I pay for it later...)
Junk Food: White Castle sliders!!! (again, I pay for it later...)
Restaurant: Tea House and Cam Ron Bay (did I mention that I usually pay
for these kinds of foods later?)
Dream Vacation Destination: Paying my way as a Sherpa to the top of
Everest... but I'm cool with the cabin at Cross Lake also.
Songs: Anything but country (sorry Kevin O'Connor). "I can't go for
that" by Daryl Hall & John Oates really gets me pumped up before a TT or Tri!
Musicians: Hall & Oats!
Poems? What?... what???
Non-tri hobbies: "Jon Diving" (named after my crazy little brother and
consisting of sinking to the bottom of a lake and then being dragged
behind a speedboat, with goggles on. Disclaimer: don't try this, but if
you do, tie your swim suit TIGHT!)
Heroes: I believe I saw DKT walk across water during the swim start at
Heart of the Lakes... question answered?
Tattoos? Have any? None. (It's just a matter of time!)
Who should win: Best Movie, Best Actor, Best Actress, Best Director
Avitar
The blue dude in Avitar (can an animation win this?)
The blue chick in Avitar (I don't care if an animation can't win this,
she's hot!)
Whoever directed Avitar...
And anything you want to add about yourself.
I'm packing up shop in MN in 2 months and moving to Chicago to build
swim schools in that quaint little city. I hope to continue to race a bit in MN during the summers, but would like to leave on this note:
The secret to a successful triathlon is finding the secret port-a-potty at a race. These secret port-a-potties are far removed from the long lines at transitions and have no lines for them at all. Secret port-a-potties are sterile, smell like flowers and have endless TP!!! Brett Lovaas and I have found ALL of these and have written a book, with maps, to be published when we retire from triathlon...
