HE DOESN'T READ GOOD...

(WARNING: Everything you are about to read is true, except for the stuff we made up.)

Nancy Lovaas is a loving and doting wife. We suspect that she cuts her husband's meat.

Why would we think this?

Well, she filled in her husband's "Going Off-Course" questionnaire.

How do we know this?

Simple. Look at the answers. Most of them are not "man" answers.

What?

First of all, the exact date of Brett's birth and his marriage are listed among "his" responses.

Guys don't remember their anniversaries. They just don't. And most don't remember their birthdays either.

Sure, Nancy wants us to believe that husband/dad/triathlete/swim school guy Brett Lovaas (pronounced "lah-vus") filled out the questionnaire. And the reason why, which is also revealed in her, not his, answers, is that Brett is illiterate.

Or to put it another way: BRETT LOVAAS CAN'T READ! It follows, of course, that he doesn't write too good, either.

How can we tell? Let's look at the hard evidence.

A. Nancy, as we have already proven beyond a shadow of a doubt, filled out the questionnaire. Why didn't he do it? Too busy? Nah. Dude can't read!

B. Brett graduated from UW-Eau Claire, where he (she!) claimed that he learned more "outside" the classroom than in it. Of course he did! Besides, Brett would not be the only graduate of UW-Eau Claire, whose school motto is "Study! Study! Study!", who doesn't know that "Reading is Fun-damental!" Didn't Mongo from "Blazing Saddles" and Lloyd from "Dumb & Dumber" also graduate from UWEC?

C. Brett prefers books on cds to actual paper ones. How revealing is that! And "he" notes that they have lots of kids books at home. Doesn't mean he's read them, though he probably likes to look at the pictures. Who doesn't like pictures?

D. At the bottom of the questionnaire you'll note that he's been "Off-Course" at lots of triathlons. Off course he was. He can't read the signs!

Please understand that Brett doesn't want your pity. Also, if you plan to get him a birthday or Christmas gift, make sure that whatever you get him doesn't have instructions. We recommend a book on cd or a real book that has lots of pictures.

And here's some true stuff about the real, totally literate Brett Lovaas, a great husband, dad, friend, athlete and like his wonderful wife, Nancy, a great sport.

Age: 35 (Sept 14, 1974)

Family: wife - Nancy (married Aug 31, 1996)

Son - Breckyn - 6yrs

Daughter - Norah - 3 yrs
*both of our kids are adopted...from right here in MN
Degree: BA - Psychology (Univ of WI - Eau Claire) (pretty sure I learned more outside the classroom than in the classroom)

Occupation: Site Director - Foss Swim School - Savage (12+ years with Foss)

FAVORITES:

books: lots of books on cd (Vince Flynn, John Sanford, James Grippando, Clive Cussler), and of course all the kids books on the shelves at our house

Movies: Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium, American Flyers, The Guardian, The Proposal (lots of movies watched on the trainer...Netflix, what a great thing!)

TV shows: Survivor, CSI: New York, Extreme Makeover - Home Edition
Food: Pizza, eggs, waffles, anything breakfast, coffee (love the coffee!!)
Junk Food: Nutella, chocolate, peanut M&M's

Restaurant: Anywhere that offers good deals on kids meals, Famous Dave's is a family favorite

Dream Vacation: Sun, sand, water...that's all I need (Caribbean would be nice, another trip to Hawaii - Nancy has never been there)

Songs/ Musicians: Depends on what I am doing and my mood...no country please...Stone Temple Pilots, Alice in Chains, Nirvana, Norah Jones, Elvis, The Beatles, Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg 50 Cent, Jimmy Buffett

Non-tri hobbies: playing with my kids, spending time at the cabin (fishing, although it's not real exciting, water skiing/ wakeboarding), watching

movies/ tv, and I am trying to get back into XC skiing

Tattoos: yes, left shoulder blade - a marlin - 2 weeks after turning 18 - Not real fond of it now...hind sight sure is 20/20 ( a good lesson for my kids?)

Upcoming season of tri's - will be my 25th year of competing

oh yeah...I have been off course, in several races..swim course, bike course, and run course