Thursday, March 4, 2010


(WARNING: Most of what you are about to read is pure gibberish.)

(Photo's - Marta looking very hot; Marta & her dad wearing hats; A "Marta" dining room; A "Marta" study.)

Have you ever looked at model homes?

Sure, you have. It was fun, wasn't it?

Don't you love the clever names for the models and the communities? In the Phoenix area, for instance, there are subdivision with "golfy" names, like "Troon North" and "Desert Fairways." And the models are called "The Pebble Beach" and "The St. Andrews." Stuff like that.

Here in Minnesota, many subdivisions have bucolic geographical names like Mississippi Cliffs and Snowy Creek and Prairie Glen; and the models have "lakey" names like "The Superior" or "The Minnetonka" or "The Nokomis."

Have you ever purchased one of these kinds of homes? If you have, then chances are you were totally disappointed when your finished house bore little resemblance to the beautiful model.

Do you know who is to blame for this unfortunate experience? Do you know who HOODWINKED you?

Marta Lewinski, that's who!

Actually, Marta isn't responsible for every single case of "Your
House isn't nearly as cool as The Model" disappointment. She's only responsible for the heartache experienced by those who purchased homes from the particular mega-builder for whom she works.

Marta Lewinski is an Interior Designer.

When you walk into a model home that Marta has interiorly designed, your feet sink deeply and comfortingly into the luxurious carpet with the 12th-upgrade pad. The furniture and artwork is insanely tasteful and urbane. This is because Marta has insanely tasteful taste that is insanely urbane. The chairs are probably "Italian Provincial" from the era of Luigi XIX and the tables were created by someone with a name like Pierre DePardeaux. On the walls are the framed works of famous artists like Pigasso and Del Taco and Latissimus Dorsi. And on the Austrian Swan Motif Bar Cart proudly stands an ancient regal vase, pronounced "Vahz," from the Yao Ming Dynasty, which is a Chinese deal from way back, probably the 50s. And what you don't know is that these furnishings and accessories cost more than the house.

Face it home buyers, your garage-sale furniture, especially the Lay Z Boy and that massive sectional that appears to have been upholstered with discarded golf slacks from the 70s, is not going to look as cool in your new place as the fancy stuff from The Model would have. And there's no way your "Elvis on Velvet" or "Dogs Playing Poker" that you got at the Starving Artists whose stuff used to hang in fleabag hotels sale will have the same impact in your new home as that Salivadore Dolly painting with the melting clocks had in The Model.

The next time you view model homes with interiors designed by the insanely tasteful and urbane Marta Lewinski, understand that you are outclassed. We suggest you purchase a model--The Nokomis, perhaps--that is at the lowest end of your price range; then take the money you made from the garage sale where you sold EVERYTHING in your old house and give it to Marta. She will then dog-ear all the appropriate pages--the ones that have decent looking stuff in your price range--in the Ikea Catalogue and send you on your way.

Here is some stuff we didn't make up about triathlete/interior designer/lovely person Marta Lewinski. You'll note that she really does have insanely good taste, except when it comes to ice cream. Coconut! Yuck!

Occupation: Interior Designer

Colleges, Degrees: Interior Design Minnesota State University Mankato

Family: Minnesota, Michigan, Ontario Canada

Age: 36
Favorites:1500 count cotton sheets, MPR, espresso
Books: New Earth from Above, Taiwan Mod Page-One
Movies: Babel, Black Stallion

TV Shows: Secrets of a Chef, Flipping out
Alcoholic Beverages: Becks Dark, Michael-David Petite Sirah
Junk Food: skor, potato chips
Restaurants: La Fougasse, WA Frost:Patio
Meal: steamed shellfish with sea salt and butter
Non-Tri Hobbies: Goju Kai,riding,herb gardening
Ice Cream Flavor: CoconutVacation Destination: Greece